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Tuesday, September 28, 2004

The Mohegan Sun Post

A slight digression from my normal discussion of the goings on in RSN, this week I have decided to go off on a little riff about Mohegan Sun. Nothing bad of course (I fear that if I wrote anything bad, that I might end up on the BANNED FOR LIFE rolls along with Mr. Ruley)...I like the place far too much to write anything disparaging. Seems like the right time, since we're pretty much a lock for the wild card and such, and I've got about a week until I have to seriously get into playoff mode, which entails the play-by-play dissection of each and every game until the victor is declared (I think football does it so much cleaner...one game and the victor is declared...We won't know who wins the World Series until damn near Halloween).

But anyhow.

Mohegan Sun is one of the biggest casinos in America, if not the world. It's closest competition is Foxwoods, another monstrosity of a casino that is about 20 minutes away. Both are located in Southeastern Connecticut, also known as "where is that?" and "but what is it near?"

The answer to the question is--near a Dunkin Donuts or a 7-11. Both are nearby. Not much else is, unless you count trees and crazy people.

But once again, I digress. We live only about a half hour from Mohegan Sun, and that is both a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing because, well, it's close. It's a curse, because it is about the only game in town for about a 50 mile radius. Have you ever heard anything amazing about the nightlife in Northeastern Connecticut, or for that matter, ANYWHERE in this state? Has Wild On ever done an episode in Connecticut?

Hmmm.

No.

That explains why we end up going down maybe once or twice a week to try our hands at a few nickel machines. We used to do quarters, but 1) That can get pricey, and when you start scrimping on your bills because of your gambling...well, then you've got a problem 2) Why bother when they are so BORING compared to the nickels? I could get into telling you all about our favorite machines, but that is also boring. I'll leave it at this--why play a game with only one bonus opportunity when you can play a game with three or four different bonuses?

I like to play the machines, but while Cliff finds the spinning reels exciting, I find them hypnotic. Which is why I yawn a lot...they put me to sleep. So I do a lot of people watching, a habit that annoys Cliff to no end. There are some casino people I find automatically annoying. They are (in no particular order) Slappers, Screen Rubbers, Loud People, and Dummies.

Slappers are obvious. These are the people that insist on slapping the spin button every single spin. They don't push the button, they slap at it. Slap Slap Slap. Sometimes they like to slap every single lines bet button, then slap the bet button. Slappers are usually male, sometimes mutter or curse under their breath, are occasionally Asian, and smoke like a furnace.

Screen rubbers are a unusual breed, but they are gratingly irritating. These are the women (very, very rarely does a male do this) who will push the button and then rub either a finger, whole hand, both hands (depends on what the superstition is, I suppose) over the screen in some sort of bizarre pattern. They don't seem to be aware that their voodoo is useless over a random number generating video slot machine. They are almost always women, alone, middle-aged to elderly, and spooky-looking, kind of in a Stevie Nicks sort of way.

Loud people are the people in nickle-nickle land who get excited when they win 10 credits. Hello? IT'S FRIGGIN' 50 CENTS MORON! The shouts, whoops and hollers are generally meaningless. Loud people come in flocks, and mostly from New York. Almost always, they have absolutely NO idea how to play the game, and that leads right into the next sub species.

Dummies are the worst, the lowest, and I hate them, I despise them, and I just all around don't like them. Dummies can literally be anyone. Anyone can be a dummy. It's the person sitting next to you who sits down at the machine you just left (after losing at it the whole time) and wins the bonus and the jackpot in the first spin. They laugh, and say something like, "I don't even know how this game works! Ha!" It's the people who will spend an hour looking at how the lines work, and then won't understand HOW they work...saying things like, "How come that's not a line?" Uhhh, because it's not a line. Duh.

Some bizarre behavior has been noted on occasion, like the guy who would take his player's club card out of the machine before every spin, then re-insert it while in mid-spin. It was the strangest thing I have ever seen in a casino. I still don't understand people who have children with them in the casino at 11 o'clock at night, and the kids are still awake.

Well, anyhow, I have once again run out of things to say, so lalala and I'll write again soon.


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